Mickey Mouse is a rat and there’s no Santa. Have a nice life kids.

I was given free reign with the sixth grade at Yamato today. They graduate from elementary school (they even “graduate” from kindergarten here) in March, so the teacher wants them to learn something that will help them when they start learning English proper in junior high. I immediately chimed in with phonics. Top idea Colin, shame you know nothing about it. Never fear, google is here. A week later and I’d put together a nice little lesson plan for learning all the basic letter sounds. They know A - B - C, but that’s no use if you are trying to sound a word out. So, we learnt a - b - c. I was impressed. They picked it up and seemed to really enjoy it. I was hamming it up like a freak, but you’ve got to give a little if you want them to respond – there’s no such thing as a free lunch, after all.
I chose a few words that they knew (or should have known) and then, having practiced individual letter sounds, we tried to sound out the words by looking at the letters on the board. Nothing too crazy: dog, ten, pig, sun, car, cup, hot, etc (we didn’t do etc, I just meant that there was more to the list that I have written). The beauty of this is that they can now read words that they have only known how to say up until know. Phonics is the Rosetta Stone for the English language learner.
We came to r and my example was rat: “r-r-rat!” Awesome, I thought, they’ve cracked the r sound. A voice from the back piped up: “rat te nani?” (what does rat mean?). Colin: “it’s a kind of big mouse.” Student: “ah, Mickey Mouse!” Um, well, not really. If you go to Disneyland you will see that Mickey is indeed a big mouse, but it would be un-PC to call him a rat. But, I thought this was hilarious, so I said: “yes, Mickey is a rat.” I know that I’ve got an express ticket to TEFL teacher hell, but it’s f-f-Friday, so why not have a giggle? I can’t wait for the Christmas lessons next month, I’ve got a few crackers up my sleeve (not literally, of course).

Some mothers...

You have classes at elementary school that make you think that it is the perfect job – the children are attentive and a joy to be with. I for one would definitely consider primary teaching as a career back in Scotland – if it weren’t for the snotty noses and stupid questions. Snotty noses are a daily hazard, much like being swept off a ship is a daily hazard for north Atlantic fishermen. All you can do is try and keep the little’uns at arms length. Then again, this is difficult when the kids jump all over you like you are a walking assault course. Eating with first graders is an absolute charm. Today I saw more half-chewed rice than one should see in a lifetime – mouths chomping away on rice while they discuss the price of origami paper. I mean really, what can be so important in a 5-year-olds life that can’t wait until they finish a mouthful of rice? One student, who I had the great pleasure of sitting beside, had rice in his hair. How does that happen? It wasn’t clear if it came from his bowl or whether it came, projectile style, from the mouth of the girl sat next to him.
I miss a lot of the stupid questions I’m asked, because I can’t understand what the kids are saying, but I catch enough to keep myself entertained. Three things fascinate them: whether I have a girlfriend, what my favourite food is, and how tall I am (I tell them I am 3m tall and they all believe me). Outwith these topics ("outwith" seems to be a Scottish word, so sorry if it sounds a bit odd), the questions get a bit random. Classics are: “Do you eat rice?” Why are your eyes blue?” Today I was asked, with all seriousness, “how do you come to school – by plane or by car?” I thought catching the number 73 down to Angel and walking to Clerkenwell was a tough commute; this kid thought I came from Scotland every week just to teach him animal names.
I learnt an important lesson today – don’t let 5-year-olds try to arrange a game of football. The whining, cheating and match fixing that goes on makes the Italian FA look principled. Football-wise, I’m on a bit of a golden streak at the moment – 3 goals in three games. This is actually better than it sounds. The games are pretty short, only about 15 minutes. That works out at 6 goals per 90 minutes. Paul Le Guen, I’m only a phone call away if you need me…and I think you do.